Thursday, August 4, 2011

Life As A Child (PART 1)

I remember sitting on a party table in the living room, with loud noises, adults laughing and voices heard within, I heard my mothers singing voice and my father playing his guitar... Other noises are distant and not remembered, but I was crying and the noise was overriding my cries! This memory was when I was just a baby in diapers and it could have been a dream, but I'm pretty sure it was a real moment.
When I was somewhere between the ages 3-5 my mother left my father, I am one of 5 children between my mother and father and my father has 2 others with my mothers sister... My mother took us 5 kids and left with no money, no food, and nothing but hopes and dreams aside from all the fear and heart-break that she had encountered in her life with my father...
I remember a big yellow house with a beautiful porch that had hanging baskets all over and white trim on the windows. This place was scary for me as I walked in the door, because there were other woman and children in the same house with that same fear and heart-break in there eyes! As we walked through this house, there we 3-4 woman sitting at a big kitchen table that seemed to be awaiting for my mothers arrival. We walked into a room that had lots of fun toys and I remember my mother kneeling down on her knees and telling me "Kimberly, just sit here and play for a bit, mommy will be right back!" We had stayed at that house for awhile, but i am not real sure how long...But I do believe I remember my mother not getting along too well living there either as her and another adult would have words together that did not seem good! Through all this, I do not remember my siblings at all they could have been there with me? And I don't know where or what they were doing...
(Please take into consideration that a lot of these memories are quite blurry and non-remembering. But from the thoughts in my head these moments did happen...)
I remember living in another house on Brown Street in Union City, that was white, most of the time in the shade and had ugly carpeting, I wanna say was that god-awful orange shaggy carpet? I remember big black spiders that my mom was always killing and sitting on the porch taking tasteful and juicy bites out of watermelon and spitting them as far as I could! Of which my mother always thought of fun ways for me to relieve my boredom. I do remember my brothers and sister there, there were many times we would play in the yard with baseball bats and try to hit flying bats in the yard...I did have some friends in the neighborhood, though one of them is on my Facebook friends list and she remembers playing with me when I lived there! There was this one time in particular that I remember my mom hanging laundry on the line and I was on the other side of the house and she started to scream because she had been attacked by a stinky skunk! Oh and the time she was taking the garbage out and she cut her leg with some glass that was inside of the bag. Mom would take me to head start and stayed all day with me, because I was not participating in any activities... And those were my memories from that house.
Although it seems I do not remember much of my father during these two places, I do remember a time when my sister and I went to go see him when he lived in an apartment above the old French Creek Tavern, we went up the narrow stairs and he had a little place, kitchen table, sink, and fridge, he would not let us past the kitchen for some reason, but we just sat there and I do wanna say he was DRINKING....
MORE TO BE CONTINUED....



Friday, June 24, 2011

CONFUSED IN PEOPLE AND LIFE?





Do I see things the way they should be,
Do I here things the way I should hear them,
Do I react without hesitation,
Is it all just a vision,
Or am I tired of downers and hurtful feelings.

These words come through my mind frequently, and I may be an over thinker, but I feel as though the world revolves around everyone else but me because of the way I think! It seems to me that most people don't worry enough about others or take the time to let there heart beat pound with fear and thoughts for a moment! I am who I am and the problem is people don't understand the way my mind moves! I can almost guarantee you that I do have a mental issue like O.C.D. or Bi-polar disease, but the fact of the matter is that even if you have those problems, I don't believe they should affect the way your heart feels for others!
My whole life seems it was revolved around others (As I will blog later, my experiences and living memories of myself growing up), and now that I'm beginning to come closer to my 30's, everything and everyone is getting to me! I don't wanna deal with other people's hurt and needs anymore...because it seems as though they don't ever think of me the same way (or at least show it!) or even accept the fact that I did those things and that its my time to deal with what I want to and do things the way I feel they need to be done!

I have always been a follower, helper, push-over, thrown around like I was born to do that and sometimes still find myself waiting for others push me around, to do what they wanna do or talk about! But it seems that I cannot change that, because most of the time, most of the people in my life do what they wanna anyways! It's not that I do not appreciate or like doing certain things that they like to do, Or not love them with all my heart and soul, its that to me it seems there selfish in there own ways! (Again you will understand these ways of thinking once I start blogging my life story growing up.)

Again the feelings are: Do I see things the way they should be,
Do I here things the way I should hear them,
Do I react without hesitation,
Is it all just a vision,
Or am I tired of downers and hurtful feelings.